April 24-May 12 (day 66-84)

Yup!!! Another month gone by. And I'm still in a funk. In some ways it's a good funk because I'm still doing some self-evaluation. There have been some really great moments these past 3 weeks but there were also some pretty bad ones. I almost moved out...again. And I've pretty much solidified what kind of person I could never see myself with. My dad and I have a very complicated relationship and my being home hasn't made it easier. We can't communicate with each other unless angry and by the time we get to that point it's useless. I realized that there's no man on the this planet who has the power to make me feel like complete and utter shit-besides my father. He's that kind of emotionally closed off person that can joke around and be so generous sometimes-but when it comes to things that really matter he's a speechless blank slate. I can't stay here too long otherwise our relationship will face irreparable damage. As much as he can hurt me sometimes- I don't want it to get that far.

I got to see someone I've known all my life and reconnect with her. She's basically another sister. We talked and talked, specifically about the state I've been in for the past 2 years. She helped me see that there was a lot that I had never fully processed or let go of and in so many ways I never learned to forgive myself. It hit me like...like something no metaphor or simile could accurately describe. I almost cried right then and there but I managed to hold it in. Once again I realized how often I just take on too much. It funny how I'm all for protecting every one else's humanity but I never even acknowledged my own.

Sorry if this post isn't as happy as the others-it's just not where I'm at right now. But I'll be back there soon.