Yup!!! Another month gone by. And I'm still in a funk. In some ways it's a good funk because I'm still doing some self-evaluation. There have been some really great moments these past 3 weeks but there were also some pretty bad ones. I almost moved out...again. And I've pretty much solidified what kind of person I could never see myself with. My dad and I have a very complicated relationship and my being home hasn't made it easier. We can't communicate with each other unless angry and by the time we get to that point it's useless. I realized that there's no man on the this planet who has the power to make me feel like complete and utter shit-besides my father. He's that kind of emotionally closed off person that can joke around and be so generous sometimes-but when it comes to things that really matter he's a speechless blank slate. I can't stay here too long otherwise our relationship will face irreparable damage. As much as he can hurt me sometimes- I don't want it to get that far.
I got to see someone I've known all my life and reconnect with her. She's basically another sister. We talked and talked, specifically about the state I've been in for the past 2 years. She helped me see that there was a lot that I had never fully processed or let go of and in so many ways I never learned to forgive myself. It hit me like...like something no metaphor or simile could accurately describe. I almost cried right then and there but I managed to hold it in. Once again I realized how often I just take on too much. It funny how I'm all for protecting every one else's humanity but I never even acknowledged my own.
Sorry if this post isn't as happy as the others-it's just not where I'm at right now. But I'll be back there soon.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
damn... (days 34-65 or March 23-April 23)
I know...ultimate fail. An entire month has gone by. But it's been a good one. This past month has been filled with honesty. Honesty towards my family, friends and most importantly myself.I got to spend time with people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and one of them was an older version of me. The me that was bold, and creative. That me that dreamed.
It's funny to hear people tell me how "bold" I am now because it's nothing compared to who I used to me. Reading my old journals reminded me of who I am at my core and why I have made certain decisions. I've been caught up with the sadness and the pettiness. I missed me. So I'm redeveloping my relationship with her.
I'm also going to keep doing what I think is best. I can't run back to a place where I didn't feel good just because it made me feel safe. I'd been there so long it got too comfortable. I'm taking chances again. I'm going for the jobs, the agent, the music. If I can't have it all-I'm going to get a least a little piece of it.
It's funny to hear people tell me how "bold" I am now because it's nothing compared to who I used to me. Reading my old journals reminded me of who I am at my core and why I have made certain decisions. I've been caught up with the sadness and the pettiness. I missed me. So I'm redeveloping my relationship with her.
I'm also going to keep doing what I think is best. I can't run back to a place where I didn't feel good just because it made me feel safe. I'd been there so long it got too comfortable. I'm taking chances again. I'm going for the jobs, the agent, the music. If I can't have it all-I'm going to get a least a little piece of it.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 30-33 (Mar 19th-22nd)
Four days so four things!
At least it's not as bad as last time.
1. SUNSHINE!!!!! after days of flooding and horrible weather-the sun is back. I think I said this already but it just brings natural happiness back into my life.
2. Spring officially began on Saturday so I made my usual trip to Rita's for a free ice. It was actually kinda cool to just hang out with my brother and sister amongst the craziness of March madness.
3. HISTORY!! I was back in a bit of a slump Sunday so I didn't do much all day until m sister came down at around 10 or 11 and started to talk about health care. I listened to some of the videos about this historic moment and I was extremely happy. I honestly believe that we are moving in the right direction and hopefully this day will be a pivotal turning point for us.
4. Planning for the future. I had a mini talk with my mother and actually just spent the past two hours trying to settle on summer plans. I have a couple great leads on some awesome internships.I'm also planning for next semester. I'm not quite sure yet where I'll be but at least I'm starting to get excited about it.
At least it's not as bad as last time.
1. SUNSHINE!!!!! after days of flooding and horrible weather-the sun is back. I think I said this already but it just brings natural happiness back into my life.
2. Spring officially began on Saturday so I made my usual trip to Rita's for a free ice. It was actually kinda cool to just hang out with my brother and sister amongst the craziness of March madness.
3. HISTORY!! I was back in a bit of a slump Sunday so I didn't do much all day until m sister came down at around 10 or 11 and started to talk about health care. I listened to some of the videos about this historic moment and I was extremely happy. I honestly believe that we are moving in the right direction and hopefully this day will be a pivotal turning point for us.
4. Planning for the future. I had a mini talk with my mother and actually just spent the past two hours trying to settle on summer plans. I have a couple great leads on some awesome internships.I'm also planning for next semester. I'm not quite sure yet where I'll be but at least I'm starting to get excited about it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day 6-29 (feb. 23- March 18)
First, I know I'm horrible at making promises...especially to myself. Ironically, this realization is one of the things that has made me happy. I tell myself this all the time but I rarely ever fully acknowledge it.
FRIENDS!!! I was staying with a friend, completely for free and she never asked for anythign in return. I also have been able to see a lot of friends recently. Some I've known since before high school and it's been really good to just be foolish and with them.
SUNSHINE. after the horrendous series of storms that hit this area last weekend, all of a sudden it's warm and beautiful again. A sunny day really does put me in the best mood possible.
KIDS. the kids I babysit are awesome. Yes, every now and then they say some questionable things but, they are 10 years old. I do everything from hw to boardgames and playing outside with them and I must admit that I've loved getting back to that part of my personality.
SAFETY NETS. Ok a huge part of why I haven't been writing or keeping in touch has been coming to terms with moving back home and dealing with family. I didn't want to do it but I got tired of lying and running away. Of course the situation is never ideal, but you have to face the music. As much as I felt that I needed to figure out things on my own without anyone to protect me, I can't help but admit how nice it is to know that there's solid ground after I fall. So yes, when I finally land that shit hurts-but I'd rather that pain versus the incessant unknowing of constantly falling through a bottomless pit.
FRIENDS!!! I was staying with a friend, completely for free and she never asked for anythign in return. I also have been able to see a lot of friends recently. Some I've known since before high school and it's been really good to just be foolish and with them.
SUNSHINE. after the horrendous series of storms that hit this area last weekend, all of a sudden it's warm and beautiful again. A sunny day really does put me in the best mood possible.
KIDS. the kids I babysit are awesome. Yes, every now and then they say some questionable things but, they are 10 years old. I do everything from hw to boardgames and playing outside with them and I must admit that I've loved getting back to that part of my personality.
SAFETY NETS. Ok a huge part of why I haven't been writing or keeping in touch has been coming to terms with moving back home and dealing with family. I didn't want to do it but I got tired of lying and running away. Of course the situation is never ideal, but you have to face the music. As much as I felt that I needed to figure out things on my own without anyone to protect me, I can't help but admit how nice it is to know that there's solid ground after I fall. So yes, when I finally land that shit hurts-but I'd rather that pain versus the incessant unknowing of constantly falling through a bottomless pit.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 5 (feb.21st)
And on the 7th day she rested.
Sunday was a bit more difficult becuase I was mostly hungover and then just tired from the fact that I'd gotten less than 10 hours of sleep all weekend. so what made me happy was waking up at 11pm and not fighting the urge to cook myself a meal. At this point I started on some Spanish rice, chicken w/mango barbeque sauce and for dessert=brownies!!! I didn't quite have all my ingredients so me being me I improvised a little. The brownies are milk chocolate with walnuts and caramel and they are awesome. So yay! for awesomefood and even more awesome brownies!!!
Sunday was a bit more difficult becuase I was mostly hungover and then just tired from the fact that I'd gotten less than 10 hours of sleep all weekend. so what made me happy was waking up at 11pm and not fighting the urge to cook myself a meal. At this point I started on some Spanish rice, chicken w/mango barbeque sauce and for dessert=brownies!!! I didn't quite have all my ingredients so me being me I improvised a little. The brownies are milk chocolate with walnuts and caramel and they are awesome. So yay! for awesomefood and even more awesome brownies!!!
Day 4 (feb. 20th)
Saturday!!!!!
Soooo I met up with my friend Alex whom I haven't seen or really talked to since I left France. His aunt is in a play on Broadway and she got us tickets to see it!!! It was amazing. I can't even begin to talk about that show. But I think what I loved the most is it doesn't have a storybook ending. It doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat little bow because that's not what life is like. Alice Ripley is an incredible actress and in real life she's so different from her character. In some ways I couldn't believe it was the same person. Afterwards I took Alex to a Caribbean restaurant which he loved so we sat there and caught up. It was good clean enjoyment.
The other thing I must mention is helping the wife celebrate her birthday!!! We had a hotel room where we began the celebration and then we took it to a bar. Besides getting her trashed-the highlight of the night had to be running into someone who went to my old high school. We were both intoxicated and while I was still in the stall she started singing our alma mater and I just jumped right in. Being reminded that it truly is a small word...priceless
Soooo I met up with my friend Alex whom I haven't seen or really talked to since I left France. His aunt is in a play on Broadway and she got us tickets to see it!!! It was amazing. I can't even begin to talk about that show. But I think what I loved the most is it doesn't have a storybook ending. It doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat little bow because that's not what life is like. Alice Ripley is an incredible actress and in real life she's so different from her character. In some ways I couldn't believe it was the same person. Afterwards I took Alex to a Caribbean restaurant which he loved so we sat there and caught up. It was good clean enjoyment.
The other thing I must mention is helping the wife celebrate her birthday!!! We had a hotel room where we began the celebration and then we took it to a bar. Besides getting her trashed-the highlight of the night had to be running into someone who went to my old high school. We were both intoxicated and while I was still in the stall she started singing our alma mater and I just jumped right in. Being reminded that it truly is a small word...priceless
Friday (feb. 19th)
Sooooooooooooooo many things made me happy so I'm going to make a list.
1. Listening to Jersey club music with my wife Eboni while we ran errands. We were dancing so much in the car that we drew attention.
2. I bought a latte and an egg and cheese sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. But I didn't eat the sandwich once I remembered that I had given up cheese for Lent. (will power is awesome)
3. VAGINAS!!! I saw the Vagina monologues at TCNJ. It was a great way to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in a while and simultaneously celebrating women. (Delisa also bought me a Vagina lollipop and it looks so good I haven't been able to eat it yet!) Afterwards I hung out with some friends who work with me during the summer (i.e. they're just as crazy if not crazier). Out antics kept us up until almost 7am but they included everythign from cuddling, to biting, to childish games, and philosophical discussions as the sun came up. All together more than I could have asked for and I was once again reminded of how lucky I am!
1. Listening to Jersey club music with my wife Eboni while we ran errands. We were dancing so much in the car that we drew attention.
2. I bought a latte and an egg and cheese sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. But I didn't eat the sandwich once I remembered that I had given up cheese for Lent. (will power is awesome)
3. VAGINAS!!! I saw the Vagina monologues at TCNJ. It was a great way to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in a while and simultaneously celebrating women. (Delisa also bought me a Vagina lollipop and it looks so good I haven't been able to eat it yet!) Afterwards I hung out with some friends who work with me during the summer (i.e. they're just as crazy if not crazier). Out antics kept us up until almost 7am but they included everythign from cuddling, to biting, to childish games, and philosophical discussions as the sun came up. All together more than I could have asked for and I was once again reminded of how lucky I am!
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