I went back into my archive and found this...
I Need to get away…to feel again
These are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs!!! Adele is so the truth. Her album 19 got me through last summer and it’s still pushing me along.
Adele- “First Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw-266xdpII
“So little to say But so much time Despite my empty mouth The words are in my mind Please wear the face The one where you smile Because you Lighten up my heart When I start to cry Forgive me first love But I’m tired I need to get away To feel again Try to understand why Don’t get so close To change my mind Please wipe that look Out of your eyes It’s bribing me To doubt myself Simply, it’s tiring This love has dried up And stayed behind And if I stay I’ll be a liar Then choke on words I’d always hide Excuse me first love But we’re through I need to taste the kiss From someone knew Forgive me first love But I’m too tired I’m bored to say The least and I I lack desire Forgive me first love (4x) Forgive me Forgive me first love (2x) “
Anyways my reason for posting this is that it brought me to tears…again, as I was flying back home this morning. I was trying to remember what exactly about the song hit me so much and it was everything. I listened to it 4 or five times in a row and like a drama queen started to cry. I think I scared the poor people sitting next to me. The biggest thing about this song is that I could have easily applied it to one of the many crazy/dysfunctional romantic things I have going on, but the first person I always think of is myself. The first person I ever fell in love with was myself- not because I’m self absorbed, but rather out of necessity. I would not have survived if I hadn’t learned to love myself.
If you know me well you’re well aware of the fact that the last year of my life has been nothing short of a hot ass mess. I haven’t felt least like myself in a while. In some ways I’m getting more in touch with places inside that I didn’t know existed but I think it was too much too fast. The me that I fell in love with was somewhat of a fake idealized version of me, so as the real “me” began to emerge I think I experienced a lot of shock. Long story short, the mess that is my life won’t fix itself. I’ve taken steps but it just hasn’t been enough. Listening to this song this morning it clicked why this song hits home so much, that one line “I need to get away to feel again.” I am a pro at this. So, true to form, I’m leaving the country for a couple months. I don’t know what I’m expecting but I do know that I’m not running away from the mess, I’m dumping this shit in the trash and I’m going to try to find new stuff. I’m admitting that not only do I not have the strength to deal with this crap; part of me just doesn’t want to (“I lack desire”). So to wrap up everything I’m feeling- “This love has dried up, and stayed behind. And if I stay, I’ll be a liar. Then choke on words I’d always hide. Excuse me first love but we’re through. I need to taste the kiss from someone new. Forgive me first love but I’m too tired. I’m bored to say the least and I lack desire. Forgive me first love”
So needless to say I’ve been contemplating some things. Sadly some of these feelings have not changed. But I do have some new realizations. I’m trying to be more honest which is a lot to ask but just about all I can give right now. I’m going to be writing and reading again. I think my problem is that I tried to let go of everything-but not all of it was really that bad to begin with.
Jan 26, 2010 @ 2:40 am
Monday, January 25, 2010
Haiti...part two
I've been delaying this. I know. I felt like a hypocrite celebrating my birthday last week when I knew what condition Haiti was in. But I convinced myself that drowning in despair would do nothing. At first I was glued to the television for any major sign. Maybe I'd see someone I knew, something I recognized. I was glued to my phone waiting for the ground to drop out beneath me-but it didn't.
My family is extremely lucky, we had a few close calls but for the most part we're physically fine. I can't say ok because we aren't and we won't be for a while. Haiti is who my parents are. And even though I didn't grow up there I still feel like it's mine too. I grew up knowing mostly Haitians for a very long time. Even today most of my closest friends are all Haitian. I feel more Haitian than American sometimes, and the rest of the time I either feel more American or I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
So needless to say the news has been unbearable for me. Even if I wasn't Haitian I still feel like I would've been tied to this. But the fact that I am has made it so much more emotionally devastating. What sounds like gibberish and screaming are actual words to me. I know what they're saying when you see all those clips on TV, and I actually feel all their pain. I stopped watching the news, I stopped going online for a bit just because I knew there'd be some asshole saying something foolish and I just wasn't ready to deal. But then I'd turn on the radio and the stations up here are playing our music, they're playing clips of people's desperate pleas to find loved ones. Simultaneously I'd never been so excited and devastated at the same time.
To say that I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks is beyond an understatement. I still get chills and every little thing has me near tears. But I've always got my game face on. My hurt is not for someone to exploit but something that I share with my community and those who support us. I don't care what people were or are still expecting of me.
Haiti has been through so much. And it pains me even more to hear some say that we will never rebuild. I mean we've basically been in turmoil for over 200 years. Right now every one's being supportive and that does mean so much, but what happens in a month when there's better "hot topics." Often things happen in life that make you say how can someone, or something survive? I have to believe that we are still a miracle, and that somehow we will pull together. That is my biggest wish for my people, more than food or water, or economic aid-I pray that they continue to hope, even when it is or may be all that we have left.
My family is extremely lucky, we had a few close calls but for the most part we're physically fine. I can't say ok because we aren't and we won't be for a while. Haiti is who my parents are. And even though I didn't grow up there I still feel like it's mine too. I grew up knowing mostly Haitians for a very long time. Even today most of my closest friends are all Haitian. I feel more Haitian than American sometimes, and the rest of the time I either feel more American or I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
So needless to say the news has been unbearable for me. Even if I wasn't Haitian I still feel like I would've been tied to this. But the fact that I am has made it so much more emotionally devastating. What sounds like gibberish and screaming are actual words to me. I know what they're saying when you see all those clips on TV, and I actually feel all their pain. I stopped watching the news, I stopped going online for a bit just because I knew there'd be some asshole saying something foolish and I just wasn't ready to deal. But then I'd turn on the radio and the stations up here are playing our music, they're playing clips of people's desperate pleas to find loved ones. Simultaneously I'd never been so excited and devastated at the same time.
To say that I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks is beyond an understatement. I still get chills and every little thing has me near tears. But I've always got my game face on. My hurt is not for someone to exploit but something that I share with my community and those who support us. I don't care what people were or are still expecting of me.
Haiti has been through so much. And it pains me even more to hear some say that we will never rebuild. I mean we've basically been in turmoil for over 200 years. Right now every one's being supportive and that does mean so much, but what happens in a month when there's better "hot topics." Often things happen in life that make you say how can someone, or something survive? I have to believe that we are still a miracle, and that somehow we will pull together. That is my biggest wish for my people, more than food or water, or economic aid-I pray that they continue to hope, even when it is or may be all that we have left.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
gotta love the temp job
So here are a few highlights of working with an investment banker last week:
1. I got to hang around his mansion. (always a plus)
2. I got to find out every detail about him, his girlfriend, ex-wife, and all 3 children. Some people are way too trusting. I even have SS numbers. If I wanted to steal or sell his identity. It could be done quite easily.
3. I got to plan details for his one day with the twins since he hadn't seen them in about 2 or 3 weeks (ex wife has custody). He literally had no idea what to do with the children, mind you they are his children.
4. But hands down best part of the week was finding escorts *cough cough* I mean models for his trade show. He gave me the whole I'm not sexist or anything like that talk and said but you know at the end of the day men are stupid and they fall for a pretty face. So I need the sexiest girls you can find to work for me. So, I spent two hours creating a slide show for him to peruse through. Yes I did have to swallow my feminist pride. I was not a happy camper.
1. I got to hang around his mansion. (always a plus)
2. I got to find out every detail about him, his girlfriend, ex-wife, and all 3 children. Some people are way too trusting. I even have SS numbers. If I wanted to steal or sell his identity. It could be done quite easily.
3. I got to plan details for his one day with the twins since he hadn't seen them in about 2 or 3 weeks (ex wife has custody). He literally had no idea what to do with the children, mind you they are his children.
4. But hands down best part of the week was finding escorts *cough cough* I mean models for his trade show. He gave me the whole I'm not sexist or anything like that talk and said but you know at the end of the day men are stupid and they fall for a pretty face. So I need the sexiest girls you can find to work for me. So, I spent two hours creating a slide show for him to peruse through. Yes I did have to swallow my feminist pride. I was not a happy camper.
I'm back again
I know this is a horrible beginning (I'm already late on posting). This past week has been tumultuous to say the least. First there was Haiti which is still too heavy for me to talk about. Then I turned 21 and drove south to visit my school. Lots more to share so give me a little time but I promise that the sharing is on its way.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Haiti
The past two days have been somewhat unbearable. There are no words to describe the absolute despair in my mother's voice when I called her yesterday. When I asked if she was ok, she didn't even try to lie. Most of our family is ok-we've been lucky. But there are so many who aren't. Haiti is home. It's where my parents were born, and most of my family to be quite honest. Lately, I'd felt disconnected, and now there's a fear that it'll be even harder to regain that connection.
Monday, January 11, 2010
So it begins...
On December 19th, I returned from a semester abroad in France.
On December 23rd, I had THE mental breakdown. Long story short the mix of depression, then sucky grades, and a mix of health problems that are still unsolved have left me at home this semester.
At first it was about two or three weeks of constant no-mans land. There was a lot I didn't know, there's a lot I still don't know. But finally I made a decision. I'm not at home with my parents because if I did that I would have stayed in a comfortable limbo. Instead I'm choosing to embark on things somewhat on my own.
So this is my journey. I always talk of wanting to do things differently, of how I don't want an ordinary life. Chances only come once in a lifetime and this is mine. It's make or break time, do or die a life unlived.
So follow along, if you wish...
On December 23rd, I had THE mental breakdown. Long story short the mix of depression, then sucky grades, and a mix of health problems that are still unsolved have left me at home this semester.
At first it was about two or three weeks of constant no-mans land. There was a lot I didn't know, there's a lot I still don't know. But finally I made a decision. I'm not at home with my parents because if I did that I would have stayed in a comfortable limbo. Instead I'm choosing to embark on things somewhat on my own.
So this is my journey. I always talk of wanting to do things differently, of how I don't want an ordinary life. Chances only come once in a lifetime and this is mine. It's make or break time, do or die a life unlived.
So follow along, if you wish...
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