Yup!!! Another month gone by. And I'm still in a funk. In some ways it's a good funk because I'm still doing some self-evaluation. There have been some really great moments these past 3 weeks but there were also some pretty bad ones. I almost moved out...again. And I've pretty much solidified what kind of person I could never see myself with. My dad and I have a very complicated relationship and my being home hasn't made it easier. We can't communicate with each other unless angry and by the time we get to that point it's useless. I realized that there's no man on the this planet who has the power to make me feel like complete and utter shit-besides my father. He's that kind of emotionally closed off person that can joke around and be so generous sometimes-but when it comes to things that really matter he's a speechless blank slate. I can't stay here too long otherwise our relationship will face irreparable damage. As much as he can hurt me sometimes- I don't want it to get that far.
I got to see someone I've known all my life and reconnect with her. She's basically another sister. We talked and talked, specifically about the state I've been in for the past 2 years. She helped me see that there was a lot that I had never fully processed or let go of and in so many ways I never learned to forgive myself. It hit me like...like something no metaphor or simile could accurately describe. I almost cried right then and there but I managed to hold it in. Once again I realized how often I just take on too much. It funny how I'm all for protecting every one else's humanity but I never even acknowledged my own.
Sorry if this post isn't as happy as the others-it's just not where I'm at right now. But I'll be back there soon.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
damn... (days 34-65 or March 23-April 23)
I know...ultimate fail. An entire month has gone by. But it's been a good one. This past month has been filled with honesty. Honesty towards my family, friends and most importantly myself.I got to spend time with people I hadn't seen in a very long time, and one of them was an older version of me. The me that was bold, and creative. That me that dreamed.
It's funny to hear people tell me how "bold" I am now because it's nothing compared to who I used to me. Reading my old journals reminded me of who I am at my core and why I have made certain decisions. I've been caught up with the sadness and the pettiness. I missed me. So I'm redeveloping my relationship with her.
I'm also going to keep doing what I think is best. I can't run back to a place where I didn't feel good just because it made me feel safe. I'd been there so long it got too comfortable. I'm taking chances again. I'm going for the jobs, the agent, the music. If I can't have it all-I'm going to get a least a little piece of it.
It's funny to hear people tell me how "bold" I am now because it's nothing compared to who I used to me. Reading my old journals reminded me of who I am at my core and why I have made certain decisions. I've been caught up with the sadness and the pettiness. I missed me. So I'm redeveloping my relationship with her.
I'm also going to keep doing what I think is best. I can't run back to a place where I didn't feel good just because it made me feel safe. I'd been there so long it got too comfortable. I'm taking chances again. I'm going for the jobs, the agent, the music. If I can't have it all-I'm going to get a least a little piece of it.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Day 30-33 (Mar 19th-22nd)
Four days so four things!
At least it's not as bad as last time.
1. SUNSHINE!!!!! after days of flooding and horrible weather-the sun is back. I think I said this already but it just brings natural happiness back into my life.
2. Spring officially began on Saturday so I made my usual trip to Rita's for a free ice. It was actually kinda cool to just hang out with my brother and sister amongst the craziness of March madness.
3. HISTORY!! I was back in a bit of a slump Sunday so I didn't do much all day until m sister came down at around 10 or 11 and started to talk about health care. I listened to some of the videos about this historic moment and I was extremely happy. I honestly believe that we are moving in the right direction and hopefully this day will be a pivotal turning point for us.
4. Planning for the future. I had a mini talk with my mother and actually just spent the past two hours trying to settle on summer plans. I have a couple great leads on some awesome internships.I'm also planning for next semester. I'm not quite sure yet where I'll be but at least I'm starting to get excited about it.
At least it's not as bad as last time.
1. SUNSHINE!!!!! after days of flooding and horrible weather-the sun is back. I think I said this already but it just brings natural happiness back into my life.
2. Spring officially began on Saturday so I made my usual trip to Rita's for a free ice. It was actually kinda cool to just hang out with my brother and sister amongst the craziness of March madness.
3. HISTORY!! I was back in a bit of a slump Sunday so I didn't do much all day until m sister came down at around 10 or 11 and started to talk about health care. I listened to some of the videos about this historic moment and I was extremely happy. I honestly believe that we are moving in the right direction and hopefully this day will be a pivotal turning point for us.
4. Planning for the future. I had a mini talk with my mother and actually just spent the past two hours trying to settle on summer plans. I have a couple great leads on some awesome internships.I'm also planning for next semester. I'm not quite sure yet where I'll be but at least I'm starting to get excited about it.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Day 6-29 (feb. 23- March 18)
First, I know I'm horrible at making promises...especially to myself. Ironically, this realization is one of the things that has made me happy. I tell myself this all the time but I rarely ever fully acknowledge it.
FRIENDS!!! I was staying with a friend, completely for free and she never asked for anythign in return. I also have been able to see a lot of friends recently. Some I've known since before high school and it's been really good to just be foolish and with them.
SUNSHINE. after the horrendous series of storms that hit this area last weekend, all of a sudden it's warm and beautiful again. A sunny day really does put me in the best mood possible.
KIDS. the kids I babysit are awesome. Yes, every now and then they say some questionable things but, they are 10 years old. I do everything from hw to boardgames and playing outside with them and I must admit that I've loved getting back to that part of my personality.
SAFETY NETS. Ok a huge part of why I haven't been writing or keeping in touch has been coming to terms with moving back home and dealing with family. I didn't want to do it but I got tired of lying and running away. Of course the situation is never ideal, but you have to face the music. As much as I felt that I needed to figure out things on my own without anyone to protect me, I can't help but admit how nice it is to know that there's solid ground after I fall. So yes, when I finally land that shit hurts-but I'd rather that pain versus the incessant unknowing of constantly falling through a bottomless pit.
FRIENDS!!! I was staying with a friend, completely for free and she never asked for anythign in return. I also have been able to see a lot of friends recently. Some I've known since before high school and it's been really good to just be foolish and with them.
SUNSHINE. after the horrendous series of storms that hit this area last weekend, all of a sudden it's warm and beautiful again. A sunny day really does put me in the best mood possible.
KIDS. the kids I babysit are awesome. Yes, every now and then they say some questionable things but, they are 10 years old. I do everything from hw to boardgames and playing outside with them and I must admit that I've loved getting back to that part of my personality.
SAFETY NETS. Ok a huge part of why I haven't been writing or keeping in touch has been coming to terms with moving back home and dealing with family. I didn't want to do it but I got tired of lying and running away. Of course the situation is never ideal, but you have to face the music. As much as I felt that I needed to figure out things on my own without anyone to protect me, I can't help but admit how nice it is to know that there's solid ground after I fall. So yes, when I finally land that shit hurts-but I'd rather that pain versus the incessant unknowing of constantly falling through a bottomless pit.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Day 5 (feb.21st)
And on the 7th day she rested.
Sunday was a bit more difficult becuase I was mostly hungover and then just tired from the fact that I'd gotten less than 10 hours of sleep all weekend. so what made me happy was waking up at 11pm and not fighting the urge to cook myself a meal. At this point I started on some Spanish rice, chicken w/mango barbeque sauce and for dessert=brownies!!! I didn't quite have all my ingredients so me being me I improvised a little. The brownies are milk chocolate with walnuts and caramel and they are awesome. So yay! for awesomefood and even more awesome brownies!!!
Sunday was a bit more difficult becuase I was mostly hungover and then just tired from the fact that I'd gotten less than 10 hours of sleep all weekend. so what made me happy was waking up at 11pm and not fighting the urge to cook myself a meal. At this point I started on some Spanish rice, chicken w/mango barbeque sauce and for dessert=brownies!!! I didn't quite have all my ingredients so me being me I improvised a little. The brownies are milk chocolate with walnuts and caramel and they are awesome. So yay! for awesomefood and even more awesome brownies!!!
Day 4 (feb. 20th)
Saturday!!!!!
Soooo I met up with my friend Alex whom I haven't seen or really talked to since I left France. His aunt is in a play on Broadway and she got us tickets to see it!!! It was amazing. I can't even begin to talk about that show. But I think what I loved the most is it doesn't have a storybook ending. It doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat little bow because that's not what life is like. Alice Ripley is an incredible actress and in real life she's so different from her character. In some ways I couldn't believe it was the same person. Afterwards I took Alex to a Caribbean restaurant which he loved so we sat there and caught up. It was good clean enjoyment.
The other thing I must mention is helping the wife celebrate her birthday!!! We had a hotel room where we began the celebration and then we took it to a bar. Besides getting her trashed-the highlight of the night had to be running into someone who went to my old high school. We were both intoxicated and while I was still in the stall she started singing our alma mater and I just jumped right in. Being reminded that it truly is a small word...priceless
Soooo I met up with my friend Alex whom I haven't seen or really talked to since I left France. His aunt is in a play on Broadway and she got us tickets to see it!!! It was amazing. I can't even begin to talk about that show. But I think what I loved the most is it doesn't have a storybook ending. It doesn't try to tie everything up in a neat little bow because that's not what life is like. Alice Ripley is an incredible actress and in real life she's so different from her character. In some ways I couldn't believe it was the same person. Afterwards I took Alex to a Caribbean restaurant which he loved so we sat there and caught up. It was good clean enjoyment.
The other thing I must mention is helping the wife celebrate her birthday!!! We had a hotel room where we began the celebration and then we took it to a bar. Besides getting her trashed-the highlight of the night had to be running into someone who went to my old high school. We were both intoxicated and while I was still in the stall she started singing our alma mater and I just jumped right in. Being reminded that it truly is a small word...priceless
Friday (feb. 19th)
Sooooooooooooooo many things made me happy so I'm going to make a list.
1. Listening to Jersey club music with my wife Eboni while we ran errands. We were dancing so much in the car that we drew attention.
2. I bought a latte and an egg and cheese sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. But I didn't eat the sandwich once I remembered that I had given up cheese for Lent. (will power is awesome)
3. VAGINAS!!! I saw the Vagina monologues at TCNJ. It was a great way to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in a while and simultaneously celebrating women. (Delisa also bought me a Vagina lollipop and it looks so good I haven't been able to eat it yet!) Afterwards I hung out with some friends who work with me during the summer (i.e. they're just as crazy if not crazier). Out antics kept us up until almost 7am but they included everythign from cuddling, to biting, to childish games, and philosophical discussions as the sun came up. All together more than I could have asked for and I was once again reminded of how lucky I am!
1. Listening to Jersey club music with my wife Eboni while we ran errands. We were dancing so much in the car that we drew attention.
2. I bought a latte and an egg and cheese sandwich at Dunkin Donuts. But I didn't eat the sandwich once I remembered that I had given up cheese for Lent. (will power is awesome)
3. VAGINAS!!! I saw the Vagina monologues at TCNJ. It was a great way to reconnect with friends I hadn't seen in a while and simultaneously celebrating women. (Delisa also bought me a Vagina lollipop and it looks so good I haven't been able to eat it yet!) Afterwards I hung out with some friends who work with me during the summer (i.e. they're just as crazy if not crazier). Out antics kept us up until almost 7am but they included everythign from cuddling, to biting, to childish games, and philosophical discussions as the sun came up. All together more than I could have asked for and I was once again reminded of how lucky I am!
Day 2 (feb. 18th)
Some things don't change!
I had an almost 3 hour conversation with someone I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. She's a good friend that I had met while spending the summer in Baltimore before I started my junior year of high school. Back then she was my other half and we we inseparable. But of ocurse things change and time and space separated us. Luckily we managed to keep track of each other on line but it just wasn't the same. I had sent her a message saying how much I missed her and that we needed to catch up. So we set a date and it happened. If felt so good to talk through some things and to hear about her life. A lot had changed but the core fundamental things that we loved about each other hadn't. And it was comforting.
I had an almost 3 hour conversation with someone I hadn't spoken to in a very long time. She's a good friend that I had met while spending the summer in Baltimore before I started my junior year of high school. Back then she was my other half and we we inseparable. But of ocurse things change and time and space separated us. Luckily we managed to keep track of each other on line but it just wasn't the same. I had sent her a message saying how much I missed her and that we needed to catch up. So we set a date and it happened. If felt so good to talk through some things and to hear about her life. A lot had changed but the core fundamental things that we loved about each other hadn't. And it was comforting.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Day 1
So something that made me happy today...
I'm going to try and not be superficial so I won't say the fact that I did laundry. Instead I'll choose the fact I decided to start this project. It's another concrete step in the right direction and I think it'll be a good way to track my progress. I also spoke to my mother and we had a semi-honest conversation, which trust me is a huge step. IF everything works out I should even be moving back home the first week of March. I know it'll be rough but I need to stop running away and just face things. My acting teacher once pointed out that I can't tap in to certain emotions because I never sit still. I rarely allow what I'm feeling to hit me where it'll probably hurt most.
So lesson for the day...cut down on evasive maneuvers.
I'm going to try and not be superficial so I won't say the fact that I did laundry. Instead I'll choose the fact I decided to start this project. It's another concrete step in the right direction and I think it'll be a good way to track my progress. I also spoke to my mother and we had a semi-honest conversation, which trust me is a huge step. IF everything works out I should even be moving back home the first week of March. I know it'll be rough but I need to stop running away and just face things. My acting teacher once pointed out that I can't tap in to certain emotions because I never sit still. I rarely allow what I'm feeling to hit me where it'll probably hurt most.
So lesson for the day...cut down on evasive maneuvers.
new decison
I know I've started slacking already but that will soon change. I wrote down some things that I need to write about so that will come later.
I've decided to start a Happiness Meme. So for the next 365, no matter what happens I will think about something that made me happy that day. So that's at least one post a day.
Here's hoping!!!
I've decided to start a Happiness Meme. So for the next 365, no matter what happens I will think about something that made me happy that day. So that's at least one post a day.
Here's hoping!!!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
humbled
I like to think of myself as someone who is a socially conscious lipstick feminist.
I know. Weird statement to start out with but.... Anywho long story short I was reminded yet again of how lucky I really am. Even with everything that has gone wrong and my current questionable state of mental and physical health-it could be so much worse. I know that I'm aware of that but it's not something I think of every day and I really needed to be reminded of that.
At the end of the day I survive. I keep moving forward. And I was lucky enough to remember that I am someone who has helped people and who will continue to do so. I don't say that to make anyone else feel bad, I say it to take ownership of my core values and what really motivates me. I think if I can find some way to weave that back into everything I do-I may have a shot at kicking this bug.
but yes. Humbled. I think that's the perfect word.
I know. Weird statement to start out with but.... Anywho long story short I was reminded yet again of how lucky I really am. Even with everything that has gone wrong and my current questionable state of mental and physical health-it could be so much worse. I know that I'm aware of that but it's not something I think of every day and I really needed to be reminded of that.
At the end of the day I survive. I keep moving forward. And I was lucky enough to remember that I am someone who has helped people and who will continue to do so. I don't say that to make anyone else feel bad, I say it to take ownership of my core values and what really motivates me. I think if I can find some way to weave that back into everything I do-I may have a shot at kicking this bug.
but yes. Humbled. I think that's the perfect word.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Changes!
For the first time ever...I've changed my hair color!!! What's funny is this is more exciting for me than it was when I cut all my hair off in the first place. After it was gone I didn't really feel much of anything. I can't be quite aure why not but this time around things are different.
Instead of letting my hair just exist I'm actually doing something with it. It's gone from dark brown to a brownish reddish mix of something i can't name. I got excited when my friend told me it's only going to get brighter. It's sooo much longer than I thought. If I straightened it It'd probably be the same length it was before I cut it off. Anywho, changes. I'm reaching out. I used to try and give myself credit for reaching out but it was always quite superficial. The biggest thing that needs to happen and will happen soon is I need to start writing again.
Since third grade I used to write so many poems and songs and anything that popped into my head. But ever since I've been blocked up all i do it think about writing but i never actually put anything on paper. It's probably the biggest sign for me that something wasn't right. I'll tear up and cry or have a mini anxiety attack before I write anything down about how I'm feeling.
So maybe I'll start with a journal or something. I'll let you know how it goes.
Instead of letting my hair just exist I'm actually doing something with it. It's gone from dark brown to a brownish reddish mix of something i can't name. I got excited when my friend told me it's only going to get brighter. It's sooo much longer than I thought. If I straightened it It'd probably be the same length it was before I cut it off. Anywho, changes. I'm reaching out. I used to try and give myself credit for reaching out but it was always quite superficial. The biggest thing that needs to happen and will happen soon is I need to start writing again.
Since third grade I used to write so many poems and songs and anything that popped into my head. But ever since I've been blocked up all i do it think about writing but i never actually put anything on paper. It's probably the biggest sign for me that something wasn't right. I'll tear up and cry or have a mini anxiety attack before I write anything down about how I'm feeling.
So maybe I'll start with a journal or something. I'll let you know how it goes.
So i've realized something
I was with Eboni (my absolutely wonderful housemate) and we were watching something ridiculous on VH1. It's Tough Love. If you haven't seen the show it's about women who have various problems with relationships and they come to this bootcamp to work on their "issues." We were watching the final episode and I realized that my reactions to all these "love" or the lack thereof stories was a bit cynical. I thought about it and I realized that I'm actually like that a lot of the time. Funny thing is I'm a huge supporter of love and relationships...when they don't involve me.
I'm 21 years old and I still can't even imagine myself in a committed relationship. The last one I had was in high school and it lasted 2 weeks only because my friends forced me to stick it out. I wanted to break up after 5 days. Yes I acknowledge that a lot of it has to do with my need for independence-it's something that I cannot have threatened in any way, shape, or form. But I think it's more than that. I have finally admitted to myself that I'm scared for my life. I know how vulnerable and sensitive I am and I am completely unwilling to part my heart on the line.
It'd be one thing if I was only like that when it comes to love but I can be like that in life as well and everything I love suffers for it. It's become extremely hard to have open and honest relationships with my friends and family. And even worse my art is suffering for it. I wondered for the past two years why I was in this constant creative and artistic block and it's because I'm blocked up and closed off emotionally. To some people this may seem surprising but when it comes to everything that is at the core of who I am-I hide it from the world.
So my new job is to slowly break down the walls. I have to give myself credit and say that I think I've already started this process. hell i'm writing this. But I have to do more. I know what I want but I won't be even close to getting it until I open up, let whatever comes come, and not assume that it will all be painful.
I'm 21 years old and I still can't even imagine myself in a committed relationship. The last one I had was in high school and it lasted 2 weeks only because my friends forced me to stick it out. I wanted to break up after 5 days. Yes I acknowledge that a lot of it has to do with my need for independence-it's something that I cannot have threatened in any way, shape, or form. But I think it's more than that. I have finally admitted to myself that I'm scared for my life. I know how vulnerable and sensitive I am and I am completely unwilling to part my heart on the line.
It'd be one thing if I was only like that when it comes to love but I can be like that in life as well and everything I love suffers for it. It's become extremely hard to have open and honest relationships with my friends and family. And even worse my art is suffering for it. I wondered for the past two years why I was in this constant creative and artistic block and it's because I'm blocked up and closed off emotionally. To some people this may seem surprising but when it comes to everything that is at the core of who I am-I hide it from the world.
So my new job is to slowly break down the walls. I have to give myself credit and say that I think I've already started this process. hell i'm writing this. But I have to do more. I know what I want but I won't be even close to getting it until I open up, let whatever comes come, and not assume that it will all be painful.
Monday, January 25, 2010
this was my last post on Tumblr
I went back into my archive and found this...
I Need to get away…to feel again
These are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs!!! Adele is so the truth. Her album 19 got me through last summer and it’s still pushing me along.
Adele- “First Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw-266xdpII
“So little to say But so much time Despite my empty mouth The words are in my mind Please wear the face The one where you smile Because you Lighten up my heart When I start to cry Forgive me first love But I’m tired I need to get away To feel again Try to understand why Don’t get so close To change my mind Please wipe that look Out of your eyes It’s bribing me To doubt myself Simply, it’s tiring This love has dried up And stayed behind And if I stay I’ll be a liar Then choke on words I’d always hide Excuse me first love But we’re through I need to taste the kiss From someone knew Forgive me first love But I’m too tired I’m bored to say The least and I I lack desire Forgive me first love (4x) Forgive me Forgive me first love (2x) “
Anyways my reason for posting this is that it brought me to tears…again, as I was flying back home this morning. I was trying to remember what exactly about the song hit me so much and it was everything. I listened to it 4 or five times in a row and like a drama queen started to cry. I think I scared the poor people sitting next to me. The biggest thing about this song is that I could have easily applied it to one of the many crazy/dysfunctional romantic things I have going on, but the first person I always think of is myself. The first person I ever fell in love with was myself- not because I’m self absorbed, but rather out of necessity. I would not have survived if I hadn’t learned to love myself.
If you know me well you’re well aware of the fact that the last year of my life has been nothing short of a hot ass mess. I haven’t felt least like myself in a while. In some ways I’m getting more in touch with places inside that I didn’t know existed but I think it was too much too fast. The me that I fell in love with was somewhat of a fake idealized version of me, so as the real “me” began to emerge I think I experienced a lot of shock. Long story short, the mess that is my life won’t fix itself. I’ve taken steps but it just hasn’t been enough. Listening to this song this morning it clicked why this song hits home so much, that one line “I need to get away to feel again.” I am a pro at this. So, true to form, I’m leaving the country for a couple months. I don’t know what I’m expecting but I do know that I’m not running away from the mess, I’m dumping this shit in the trash and I’m going to try to find new stuff. I’m admitting that not only do I not have the strength to deal with this crap; part of me just doesn’t want to (“I lack desire”). So to wrap up everything I’m feeling- “This love has dried up, and stayed behind. And if I stay, I’ll be a liar. Then choke on words I’d always hide. Excuse me first love but we’re through. I need to taste the kiss from someone new. Forgive me first love but I’m too tired. I’m bored to say the least and I lack desire. Forgive me first love”
So needless to say I’ve been contemplating some things. Sadly some of these feelings have not changed. But I do have some new realizations. I’m trying to be more honest which is a lot to ask but just about all I can give right now. I’m going to be writing and reading again. I think my problem is that I tried to let go of everything-but not all of it was really that bad to begin with.
Jan 26, 2010 @ 2:40 am
I Need to get away…to feel again
These are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs!!! Adele is so the truth. Her album 19 got me through last summer and it’s still pushing me along.
Adele- “First Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw-266xdpII
“So little to say But so much time Despite my empty mouth The words are in my mind Please wear the face The one where you smile Because you Lighten up my heart When I start to cry Forgive me first love But I’m tired I need to get away To feel again Try to understand why Don’t get so close To change my mind Please wipe that look Out of your eyes It’s bribing me To doubt myself Simply, it’s tiring This love has dried up And stayed behind And if I stay I’ll be a liar Then choke on words I’d always hide Excuse me first love But we’re through I need to taste the kiss From someone knew Forgive me first love But I’m too tired I’m bored to say The least and I I lack desire Forgive me first love (4x) Forgive me Forgive me first love (2x) “
Anyways my reason for posting this is that it brought me to tears…again, as I was flying back home this morning. I was trying to remember what exactly about the song hit me so much and it was everything. I listened to it 4 or five times in a row and like a drama queen started to cry. I think I scared the poor people sitting next to me. The biggest thing about this song is that I could have easily applied it to one of the many crazy/dysfunctional romantic things I have going on, but the first person I always think of is myself. The first person I ever fell in love with was myself- not because I’m self absorbed, but rather out of necessity. I would not have survived if I hadn’t learned to love myself.
If you know me well you’re well aware of the fact that the last year of my life has been nothing short of a hot ass mess. I haven’t felt least like myself in a while. In some ways I’m getting more in touch with places inside that I didn’t know existed but I think it was too much too fast. The me that I fell in love with was somewhat of a fake idealized version of me, so as the real “me” began to emerge I think I experienced a lot of shock. Long story short, the mess that is my life won’t fix itself. I’ve taken steps but it just hasn’t been enough. Listening to this song this morning it clicked why this song hits home so much, that one line “I need to get away to feel again.” I am a pro at this. So, true to form, I’m leaving the country for a couple months. I don’t know what I’m expecting but I do know that I’m not running away from the mess, I’m dumping this shit in the trash and I’m going to try to find new stuff. I’m admitting that not only do I not have the strength to deal with this crap; part of me just doesn’t want to (“I lack desire”). So to wrap up everything I’m feeling- “This love has dried up, and stayed behind. And if I stay, I’ll be a liar. Then choke on words I’d always hide. Excuse me first love but we’re through. I need to taste the kiss from someone new. Forgive me first love but I’m too tired. I’m bored to say the least and I lack desire. Forgive me first love”
So needless to say I’ve been contemplating some things. Sadly some of these feelings have not changed. But I do have some new realizations. I’m trying to be more honest which is a lot to ask but just about all I can give right now. I’m going to be writing and reading again. I think my problem is that I tried to let go of everything-but not all of it was really that bad to begin with.
Jan 26, 2010 @ 2:40 am
Haiti...part two
I've been delaying this. I know. I felt like a hypocrite celebrating my birthday last week when I knew what condition Haiti was in. But I convinced myself that drowning in despair would do nothing. At first I was glued to the television for any major sign. Maybe I'd see someone I knew, something I recognized. I was glued to my phone waiting for the ground to drop out beneath me-but it didn't.
My family is extremely lucky, we had a few close calls but for the most part we're physically fine. I can't say ok because we aren't and we won't be for a while. Haiti is who my parents are. And even though I didn't grow up there I still feel like it's mine too. I grew up knowing mostly Haitians for a very long time. Even today most of my closest friends are all Haitian. I feel more Haitian than American sometimes, and the rest of the time I either feel more American or I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
So needless to say the news has been unbearable for me. Even if I wasn't Haitian I still feel like I would've been tied to this. But the fact that I am has made it so much more emotionally devastating. What sounds like gibberish and screaming are actual words to me. I know what they're saying when you see all those clips on TV, and I actually feel all their pain. I stopped watching the news, I stopped going online for a bit just because I knew there'd be some asshole saying something foolish and I just wasn't ready to deal. But then I'd turn on the radio and the stations up here are playing our music, they're playing clips of people's desperate pleas to find loved ones. Simultaneously I'd never been so excited and devastated at the same time.
To say that I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks is beyond an understatement. I still get chills and every little thing has me near tears. But I've always got my game face on. My hurt is not for someone to exploit but something that I share with my community and those who support us. I don't care what people were or are still expecting of me.
Haiti has been through so much. And it pains me even more to hear some say that we will never rebuild. I mean we've basically been in turmoil for over 200 years. Right now every one's being supportive and that does mean so much, but what happens in a month when there's better "hot topics." Often things happen in life that make you say how can someone, or something survive? I have to believe that we are still a miracle, and that somehow we will pull together. That is my biggest wish for my people, more than food or water, or economic aid-I pray that they continue to hope, even when it is or may be all that we have left.
My family is extremely lucky, we had a few close calls but for the most part we're physically fine. I can't say ok because we aren't and we won't be for a while. Haiti is who my parents are. And even though I didn't grow up there I still feel like it's mine too. I grew up knowing mostly Haitians for a very long time. Even today most of my closest friends are all Haitian. I feel more Haitian than American sometimes, and the rest of the time I either feel more American or I feel like I don't belong anywhere.
So needless to say the news has been unbearable for me. Even if I wasn't Haitian I still feel like I would've been tied to this. But the fact that I am has made it so much more emotionally devastating. What sounds like gibberish and screaming are actual words to me. I know what they're saying when you see all those clips on TV, and I actually feel all their pain. I stopped watching the news, I stopped going online for a bit just because I knew there'd be some asshole saying something foolish and I just wasn't ready to deal. But then I'd turn on the radio and the stations up here are playing our music, they're playing clips of people's desperate pleas to find loved ones. Simultaneously I'd never been so excited and devastated at the same time.
To say that I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks is beyond an understatement. I still get chills and every little thing has me near tears. But I've always got my game face on. My hurt is not for someone to exploit but something that I share with my community and those who support us. I don't care what people were or are still expecting of me.
Haiti has been through so much. And it pains me even more to hear some say that we will never rebuild. I mean we've basically been in turmoil for over 200 years. Right now every one's being supportive and that does mean so much, but what happens in a month when there's better "hot topics." Often things happen in life that make you say how can someone, or something survive? I have to believe that we are still a miracle, and that somehow we will pull together. That is my biggest wish for my people, more than food or water, or economic aid-I pray that they continue to hope, even when it is or may be all that we have left.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
gotta love the temp job
So here are a few highlights of working with an investment banker last week:
1. I got to hang around his mansion. (always a plus)
2. I got to find out every detail about him, his girlfriend, ex-wife, and all 3 children. Some people are way too trusting. I even have SS numbers. If I wanted to steal or sell his identity. It could be done quite easily.
3. I got to plan details for his one day with the twins since he hadn't seen them in about 2 or 3 weeks (ex wife has custody). He literally had no idea what to do with the children, mind you they are his children.
4. But hands down best part of the week was finding escorts *cough cough* I mean models for his trade show. He gave me the whole I'm not sexist or anything like that talk and said but you know at the end of the day men are stupid and they fall for a pretty face. So I need the sexiest girls you can find to work for me. So, I spent two hours creating a slide show for him to peruse through. Yes I did have to swallow my feminist pride. I was not a happy camper.
1. I got to hang around his mansion. (always a plus)
2. I got to find out every detail about him, his girlfriend, ex-wife, and all 3 children. Some people are way too trusting. I even have SS numbers. If I wanted to steal or sell his identity. It could be done quite easily.
3. I got to plan details for his one day with the twins since he hadn't seen them in about 2 or 3 weeks (ex wife has custody). He literally had no idea what to do with the children, mind you they are his children.
4. But hands down best part of the week was finding escorts *cough cough* I mean models for his trade show. He gave me the whole I'm not sexist or anything like that talk and said but you know at the end of the day men are stupid and they fall for a pretty face. So I need the sexiest girls you can find to work for me. So, I spent two hours creating a slide show for him to peruse through. Yes I did have to swallow my feminist pride. I was not a happy camper.
I'm back again
I know this is a horrible beginning (I'm already late on posting). This past week has been tumultuous to say the least. First there was Haiti which is still too heavy for me to talk about. Then I turned 21 and drove south to visit my school. Lots more to share so give me a little time but I promise that the sharing is on its way.
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Haiti
The past two days have been somewhat unbearable. There are no words to describe the absolute despair in my mother's voice when I called her yesterday. When I asked if she was ok, she didn't even try to lie. Most of our family is ok-we've been lucky. But there are so many who aren't. Haiti is home. It's where my parents were born, and most of my family to be quite honest. Lately, I'd felt disconnected, and now there's a fear that it'll be even harder to regain that connection.
Monday, January 11, 2010
So it begins...
On December 19th, I returned from a semester abroad in France.
On December 23rd, I had THE mental breakdown. Long story short the mix of depression, then sucky grades, and a mix of health problems that are still unsolved have left me at home this semester.
At first it was about two or three weeks of constant no-mans land. There was a lot I didn't know, there's a lot I still don't know. But finally I made a decision. I'm not at home with my parents because if I did that I would have stayed in a comfortable limbo. Instead I'm choosing to embark on things somewhat on my own.
So this is my journey. I always talk of wanting to do things differently, of how I don't want an ordinary life. Chances only come once in a lifetime and this is mine. It's make or break time, do or die a life unlived.
So follow along, if you wish...
On December 23rd, I had THE mental breakdown. Long story short the mix of depression, then sucky grades, and a mix of health problems that are still unsolved have left me at home this semester.
At first it was about two or three weeks of constant no-mans land. There was a lot I didn't know, there's a lot I still don't know. But finally I made a decision. I'm not at home with my parents because if I did that I would have stayed in a comfortable limbo. Instead I'm choosing to embark on things somewhat on my own.
So this is my journey. I always talk of wanting to do things differently, of how I don't want an ordinary life. Chances only come once in a lifetime and this is mine. It's make or break time, do or die a life unlived.
So follow along, if you wish...
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
