this was my last post on Tumblr

I went back into my archive and found this...
I Need to get away…to feel again

These are the lyrics to one of my new favorite songs!!! Adele is so the truth. Her album 19 got me through last summer and it’s still pushing me along.

Adele- “First Love” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kw-266xdpII

“So little to say But so much time Despite my empty mouth The words are in my mind Please wear the face The one where you smile Because you Lighten up my heart When I start to cry Forgive me first love But I’m tired I need to get away To feel again Try to understand why Don’t get so close To change my mind Please wipe that look Out of your eyes It’s bribing me To doubt myself Simply, it’s tiring This love has dried up And stayed behind And if I stay I’ll be a liar Then choke on words I’d always hide Excuse me first love But we’re through I need to taste the kiss From someone knew Forgive me first love But I’m too tired I’m bored to say The least and I I lack desire Forgive me first love (4x) Forgive me Forgive me first love (2x) “

Anyways my reason for posting this is that it brought me to tears…again, as I was flying back home this morning. I was trying to remember what exactly about the song hit me so much and it was everything. I listened to it 4 or five times in a row and like a drama queen started to cry. I think I scared the poor people sitting next to me. The biggest thing about this song is that I could have easily applied it to one of the many crazy/dysfunctional romantic things I have going on, but the first person I always think of is myself. The first person I ever fell in love with was myself- not because I’m self absorbed, but rather out of necessity. I would not have survived if I hadn’t learned to love myself.

If you know me well you’re well aware of the fact that the last year of my life has been nothing short of a hot ass mess. I haven’t felt least like myself in a while. In some ways I’m getting more in touch with places inside that I didn’t know existed but I think it was too much too fast. The me that I fell in love with was somewhat of a fake idealized version of me, so as the real “me” began to emerge I think I experienced a lot of shock. Long story short, the mess that is my life won’t fix itself. I’ve taken steps but it just hasn’t been enough. Listening to this song this morning it clicked why this song hits home so much, that one line “I need to get away to feel again.” I am a pro at this. So, true to form, I’m leaving the country for a couple months. I don’t know what I’m expecting but I do know that I’m not running away from the mess, I’m dumping this shit in the trash and I’m going to try to find new stuff. I’m admitting that not only do I not have the strength to deal with this crap; part of me just doesn’t want to (“I lack desire”). So to wrap up everything I’m feeling- “This love has dried up, and stayed behind. And if I stay, I’ll be a liar. Then choke on words I’d always hide. Excuse me first love but we’re through. I need to taste the kiss from someone new. Forgive me first love but I’m too tired. I’m bored to say the least and I lack desire. Forgive me first love”

So needless to say I’ve been contemplating some things. Sadly some of these feelings have not changed. But I do have some new realizations. I’m trying to be more honest which is a lot to ask but just about all I can give right now. I’m going to be writing and reading again. I think my problem is that I tried to let go of everything-but not all of it was really that bad to begin with.

Jan 26, 2010 @ 2:40 am