Haiti...part two

I've been delaying this. I know. I felt like a hypocrite celebrating my birthday last week when I knew what condition Haiti was in. But I convinced myself that drowning in despair would do nothing. At first I was glued to the television for any major sign. Maybe I'd see someone I knew, something I recognized. I was glued to my phone waiting for the ground to drop out beneath me-but it didn't.

My family is extremely lucky, we had a few close calls but for the most part we're physically fine. I can't say ok because we aren't and we won't be for a while. Haiti is who my parents are. And even though I didn't grow up there I still feel like it's mine too. I grew up knowing mostly Haitians for a very long time. Even today most of my closest friends are all Haitian. I feel more Haitian than American sometimes, and the rest of the time I either feel more American or I feel like I don't belong anywhere.

So needless to say the news has been unbearable for me. Even if I wasn't Haitian I still feel like I would've been tied to this. But the fact that I am has made it so much more emotionally devastating. What sounds like gibberish and screaming are actual words to me. I know what they're saying when you see all those clips on TV, and I actually feel all their pain. I stopped watching the news, I stopped going online for a bit just because I knew there'd be some asshole saying something foolish and I just wasn't ready to deal. But then I'd turn on the radio and the stations up here are playing our music, they're playing clips of people's desperate pleas to find loved ones. Simultaneously I'd never been so excited and devastated at the same time.

To say that I've been on an emotional roller coaster these past two weeks is beyond an understatement. I still get chills and every little thing has me near tears. But I've always got my game face on. My hurt is not for someone to exploit but something that I share with my community and those who support us. I don't care what people were or are still expecting of me.

Haiti has been through so much. And it pains me even more to hear some say that we will never rebuild. I mean we've basically been in turmoil for over 200 years. Right now every one's being supportive and that does mean so much, but what happens in a month when there's better "hot topics." Often things happen in life that make you say how can someone, or something survive? I have to believe that we are still a miracle, and that somehow we will pull together. That is my biggest wish for my people, more than food or water, or economic aid-I pray that they continue to hope, even when it is or may be all that we have left.