I was with Eboni (my absolutely wonderful housemate) and we were watching something ridiculous on VH1. It's Tough Love. If you haven't seen the show it's about women who have various problems with relationships and they come to this bootcamp to work on their "issues." We were watching the final episode and I realized that my reactions to all these "love" or the lack thereof stories was a bit cynical. I thought about it and I realized that I'm actually like that a lot of the time. Funny thing is I'm a huge supporter of love and relationships...when they don't involve me.
I'm 21 years old and I still can't even imagine myself in a committed relationship. The last one I had was in high school and it lasted 2 weeks only because my friends forced me to stick it out. I wanted to break up after 5 days. Yes I acknowledge that a lot of it has to do with my need for independence-it's something that I cannot have threatened in any way, shape, or form. But I think it's more than that. I have finally admitted to myself that I'm scared for my life. I know how vulnerable and sensitive I am and I am completely unwilling to part my heart on the line.
It'd be one thing if I was only like that when it comes to love but I can be like that in life as well and everything I love suffers for it. It's become extremely hard to have open and honest relationships with my friends and family. And even worse my art is suffering for it. I wondered for the past two years why I was in this constant creative and artistic block and it's because I'm blocked up and closed off emotionally. To some people this may seem surprising but when it comes to everything that is at the core of who I am-I hide it from the world.
So my new job is to slowly break down the walls. I have to give myself credit and say that I think I've already started this process. hell i'm writing this. But I have to do more. I know what I want but I won't be even close to getting it until I open up, let whatever comes come, and not assume that it will all be painful.
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Great lesson learned! However, acknowledging and accepting are the first two steps, VERY important but the third is what counts. Actually APPLYING it. Step out into this big ass world and put your everything into anything that interests you even a tad bit! Opportunities and beautiful moments cant be planned, they just have to be experienced with no barriers (specifically those we place on ourselves). The absolutely worse thing that can happen is that situations dont work out the way we would prefer. But its life! Think of how often that happens and we get over it? Do the same with love my dear. Its an amazing, unpredictable, raw, painful, honest, necessary part of life.
ReplyDeleteI <3 my Josi!